Hipster Buzzkill

Recently, wannabe trend-setters and trendsetters alike, are experiencing a major buzzkill:

Trend: Eating Gluten-Free
Alright, I will admit that even I did not know exactly what gluten was (shame on me, silly science teacher lady.)  But I did know that gluten doesn't make me fat.  You know what makes me fat?  King sized boxes of Junior mints and iced coffee drinks!

For those who haven't seen this, put down your kale based smoothies and enjoy!  (Thank you Jimmy Kimmel for interviewing attractive men with their shirts off)

Disclaimer: Not feeling good after eating gluten must suck. Sorry Celiac sufferers.


Trend: Minimalist Running

And then there was the news that took the wind out of barefoot runners' sails....

Hey guys, aren't you supposed to be running?

Not shocking,wearing weird rubber toe socks does NOT do the following things!

(1) Strengthen muscles in the feet and lower legs 
(2) Improve range of motion in the ankles, feet, and toes
(3) Stimulate neural function important to balance and agility
(4) Eliminate heel lift to align the spine and improve posture
(5) Allow the foot and body to move naturally

Did people really think that these socks with five fingers really did this stuff?  Running is hard. Please put something between your delicate arches and the hard pavement.  

Sorry hipsters and trendsetting wannabes...next on the chopping block? Facial hair!

Rollie Fingers!!!!

Wok the fok! My Qi is Stagnant.

Well.  I have discovered something important today....My liver qi is stagnant.  Along with this realization, I fully admit today and for the foreseeable future, that my mother is almost always right.

-Flashback to the early 90s.  - My mother received a wok for Christmas.  I kid you not, I distinctly remember her reading a book about eating broccoli and its healing/antioxidant powers....  So we ate broccoli- every evening from Christmas until about Valentines Day.  (Wok the fok.)  I also remember around this time my mother practicing Tai chi in the kitchen on Saturday mornings.  It kinda looked like she was sparring with the slowest mime on Earth....

I didn't know why my mom was mime-sparring or why I was eating the same vegetable every night for over a month, but now, I think I do.  I think her qi may have been stagnant and she was just trying to get it moving again.

                                                                           *****

Today I went to the acupuncturist.  I wanted to check it out.  This year I turn 32.....  I need way more healthy coping mechanisms in my emotional toolbox than I currently have.  So the really nice guy did the intake.  He looked at my tongue.  He set me up in a warm, quiet room and then he stuck me with little needles.  Then he came in and took them out, and I rolled on my belly and he put more in my back and he left me alone again in the warm, quiet room.  Did I mention there was soothing music on?

I recount my day in jest, but truth statement: It. was. awesome!  I felt tingly and then awake.  Not annoyed awake but calm and energized awake.  He and I had a great discussion about how it's very common and most likely that my liver qi (the organ which is the most affected by emotional chow chow emotions: anxiety/depression/stress) was most likely stagnant.  This did not sound promising.  However, he handed me a list of healthy foods to aid in the healing of the liver qi....on it? Broccoli.

I booked my next appointment and stopped by the grocery store.

I wonder what the statute of limitations for apologies for making fun of your mother and/or their cooking is?

A Response to Dr. Oz's 3 Day Smoothie Detox

It was a while ago -aka, January "the month - which we do not mention," but after a day or two of research the hubs and I decided to take part in the Dr. Oz 3 day smoothie detox!

We did our research and we bought one of the best things ever! A NINJA blender.  Seriously people, I feel like there is a list of things that someone should pull you said aside and say - hey ps. as an adult, please spend your money on X.  X - being an expensive blender, a decent iron and a good hair cut.  The Ninja was paramount in making smoothies for three consecutive days and yes, did actually "make ice into snow." I am a believer.

At any rate, I digress.  We used a coupon to purchase the NINJA at Bed Bath and Beyond.  We made a smoothie exclusive shopping list and were ready to detoxify!

It is a three day regimen where you drink a lot of green tea and eat three smoothies/day for three days and are supposed to take a relaxing bath with special oils and salts - (but that didn't happen because this was before mini #2 was even remotely close to sleeping well.)

I really enjoyed this program and after it was completed I felt really good.  I was not painfully hungry, in fact at times I felt too full to eat another freakin smoothie.

Here is an accumulation of truth statements about the detox:


Get a heating pad and a foam roller/tennis ball! This is the best piece of advice I can give you.
After one full day of smoothie intake, I felt pretty gross with flu like symptoms?! What the heck was going on?  Naturally, I googled it and discovered that when toxins leave your body and enter your blood stream, it can in fact mimic the effects of the flu.  I was achy all over.  I strongly recommend using a heating pad and foam roller on your muscles.

It says to give up coffee.  Haha. NO.  I did however cut down from 32 to 24oz and eliminated any sweeteners. Dr. Oz, I am down with that toxin.


Prepare the smoothies all at once.

I found it very easy to take the smoothie recipe and triple it. Then freeze it in mason jars.  Then at night, thaw the necessary smoothie for the following day.

Purchase fun colored bendy straws.
When the smoothies were cold and I was drinking it out of a purple bendy straw...it was fun?

Be prepared for the intestinal revolution
All systems during the detox were working well.  However, one thing that I love/hate about the detox thing is that when you start eating other foods again is that it can start a gastrointestinal war fare.  For that reason, it is best to eat clean and carry on with that sort of lifestyle.  My first meal post detox was sushi - which I thought would be ok...and it was not.


Goodluck!

60% Over Zealous

I started watching The Biggest Loser again because there was this contestant on it, that I related to.  It was Rachel. 

NBC.com 

She is younger than me (24) and was heavier than I am. At one point she was a very competitive swimmer.  In fact, the episode when she gets back in the pool actually inspired me to get back into the pool as well.  Well fast forward a couple months, the DVR is at 100% and I finally this past week watched the finale:

The contestants who were sent home, returned to compete for the at-home prize of $100,000. On average they lost between 25-50% of their initial body weight.  They looked happy, younger, healthier and jacked out of their minds.  Almost every contestant was grinning ear to ear, and flexing their muscles to show how strong they are.  I love that.  Strong is sexy.

The three finalists competing for the win were :

-David/409lbs/my first wife was diagnosed with a brain tumor 6 months after we were married and died/I ate my feelings.

-Bobby/358lbs/I'm gay/not out and worried about it/I ate my feelings.

-Rachel/260lbs/I stopped being a badass athlete/I work from home/I got sad/I ate my feelings.

The big reveal :

David comes out.  He gets up on the scale. David loses 54% of his body weight.  He has shaved his hideous beard. Looking good David! Trainers high five and hug, blow kisses.  The crowd roars wildly.

Bobby comes out.  He gets up on the scale.  Bobby loses 52% of his body weight.  He looks drop dead gorgeous. Helllllo Bobby.  (The live audience loses their mind because he is that hot) Trainer Bob and he share a wicked good hug and if I were Trainer Bob, I totally would have grabbed his ass…..#missedopportunity.

eonline.com

Rachel comes out.  

nbc

....The audience as well as trainers Bob and Jillian clearly stopped breathing for a few seconds.  This was not a gasp for joy, it was a gasp for air because Rachel looks like skeletor.  She had lollipop head and her arms look sinewy not muscular. The skin on her face is pulled so tight it looks like she has had a very bad face lift. (maybe she did?)  She gets up on the scale.  Rachel loses 59.62% of her body weight!  Reminder she started at 260lbs.  She weighs in at 105 lbs.  She is 5'4'' inches tall.  This puts her below the healthy body mass index.  Um gross. 

Trainers Bob and Jillian were "stunned."  Rachel's trainer, Dolvett defended her on his Facebook page, "Biggest Loser is a journey that has its ups and downs.  Please try not to look at one slice of Rachel's journey and come to broad conclusions.  Rachel's health is, and always has been, my main concern and her journey to good health has not yet ended!!"  NBC had no comment. Obviously.

I was inspired by this former swimmer! Now I am disappointed.  As an athlete, I would expect a healthier approach to losing weight, not an extremist one.  Whatever. She won. Was it about the money? If so, yeah for you. Go home, buy a couple of boxes of girl scout cookies, chase it with a beer and gain 10 – 15 lbs so you look like a normal human being. 

The moral of the story biggest losers? Lose 50% of your body weight? = amazing. Lose 60% of your body weight and are below a healthy BMI?  Calm the F down!  In my opinion contestants next season should have to maintain a healthy BMI or be disqualified. 

Moms on the Run

There are just about 10 weeks in this plan:

Couch to 5K Plan

Dear self: Get off your butt.

annnnnnd there are about 10 weeks until this road race: (which I am signed up for.)

Moms On the Run 2014

Run to your mom.  Run away from your mom, 

run because you are a mom or want to be one, 

or want to pretend you aren't one for 30-40 minutes.

Pinch the Fat

I have a dear friend who I am in constant contact with.  This is not an exaggeration (That's why it is italicized, bold faced AND underlined.)  We call each other almost every day on the way to work (at 6 am).  We email. Text. Send snail mail.... and of course visit in person.  We never seem to tire of knowing the meaningless details of each others lives.  During our ten years of friendship we have also pinched the fat.

Yes, you read that correctly.   She has on several occasions pinched me with weird caliper things to determine my percentage of body fat.  At 21, I thought pinching the fat was funny.  At 31, the thought of pinching the fat is horrifying.

Um...this is pinching fat? 

Never the less, Starting this past Sunday I began my never-ending-quest to be healthier.  My dear friend is the administrator of a cross fit/paleo eating challenge.  I will bravely enter my measurements into a google form once a week and submit whether or not I ate "clean" or "cheated."  I will also submit my time for a 1 mile run and 500 yd swim since I am not a cross fit girl.  

I want this change in my health for me and I want to be a good role model of health for my children.  Hopefully these changes will become habit and they will never remember the woman who ate her feelings and downed boxes of junior mints followed by a large ice coffee chaser.

Hopefully I will be able to visit dear friend in person sometime soon.

Unfortunately/Fortunately dear friend reads my blog.  I am almost certain she will bring the calipers to pinch the fat.....

**Wish me luck!**

A Simple Life

I resolve in 2014 to live a simple life and consume less.  Since managing physical things has always been a challenge for me, I have decided to try to have less STUFF. Less STUFF = less crap to manage.

This is a tall order (especially in a house with: two adults suffering from varying degrees of ADD, a mini who is 2 years old, a baby who is a poop machine and a crazy karma dog.)

Just writing that was intense.  Deep cleansing breaths.  

In order to achieve this, I first need to evaluate and restructure my physical environment. 

The evaluation process will include these steps:

-Put Away

-Recycle

-Throw Away

-Donate

Simultaneously when my family and I need STUFF, I will use this not-shopping list.

All sassing aside, I would love any other suggestions.  Please comment electronically.  Cleaning out virtual STUFF will have to wait until 2015.