'Scuse Me for Farting

Mini: 'Scuse me for farting.....On you... again.
Me: Gross, why did you do that?"
Mini: "I needed to."

Sometimes mini#1 is a bit more considerate and just cups his hand over his bum and farts directly into it.  Why? "Because he needs to." Needs to preserve and reminisce about his own noxious gasses? Who the hell knows?!  How can I monitor this flatulence fiesta?!  Was it an accident? Was it on purpose?! I don't know, he's three.  I tried to explain that if he continues to fart on people, that they won't want to be his friend. That will be sad.  He doesn't seem to care, because, well he could always hang around with my smelly husband and smelly dog.

Toot toot, it's a party!

Tonight my husband farted in my son's general direction to "get him back"  Um ok.  So, let's review: my son can fart on people, my husband can fart, (which is apparently hilarious) but it's not ok for him to fart on people, but in their general direction is still fair game.  If my daughter passes gas, it is also funny because it's a baby-fart....Meanwhile if I pass gas, I am disgusting and exiled!

Let's not forget the dog.  Lord, earlier in the week her ass opened up like a sieve and she was shitting all over my house.  Ew.  I thought she may have had a parasite, poor girl.  My husband collected a sample and I brought it to the vet. Nooooope! Nothing was wrong. All tests negative.  It was spite shit.  BM is her weapon of choice as well.


OK so in summary: Farting is the precursor to BM.  BM on the potty is good. BM and farting is normal.  Farting around family is better than farting around strangers - but still kinda gross.  If you can squeeze your butt cheeks together and walk away and then fart, good. If you can't, ..be sure to say "'scuse me for farting!" afterwards.  However, to fart into your hand or ON your beloved mother is NOT OK.



People!  Where is the boardbook for how to explain BM-related experiences and exceptions to a hyperactive-learning-to-be-potty-trained- almost 3 year old??  Furthermore, how am I supposed to help my minis navigate these exceptions when I can't stop laughing?



I am going to put myself in a fart-induced-exile so I can start writing my first children's (hand)book about social exceptions.

60% Over Zealous

I started watching The Biggest Loser again because there was this contestant on it, that I related to.  It was Rachel. 

NBC.com 

She is younger than me (24) and was heavier than I am. At one point she was a very competitive swimmer.  In fact, the episode when she gets back in the pool actually inspired me to get back into the pool as well.  Well fast forward a couple months, the DVR is at 100% and I finally this past week watched the finale:

The contestants who were sent home, returned to compete for the at-home prize of $100,000. On average they lost between 25-50% of their initial body weight.  They looked happy, younger, healthier and jacked out of their minds.  Almost every contestant was grinning ear to ear, and flexing their muscles to show how strong they are.  I love that.  Strong is sexy.

The three finalists competing for the win were :

-David/409lbs/my first wife was diagnosed with a brain tumor 6 months after we were married and died/I ate my feelings.

-Bobby/358lbs/I'm gay/not out and worried about it/I ate my feelings.

-Rachel/260lbs/I stopped being a badass athlete/I work from home/I got sad/I ate my feelings.

The big reveal :

David comes out.  He gets up on the scale. David loses 54% of his body weight.  He has shaved his hideous beard. Looking good David! Trainers high five and hug, blow kisses.  The crowd roars wildly.

Bobby comes out.  He gets up on the scale.  Bobby loses 52% of his body weight.  He looks drop dead gorgeous. Helllllo Bobby.  (The live audience loses their mind because he is that hot) Trainer Bob and he share a wicked good hug and if I were Trainer Bob, I totally would have grabbed his ass…..#missedopportunity.

eonline.com

Rachel comes out.  

nbc

....The audience as well as trainers Bob and Jillian clearly stopped breathing for a few seconds.  This was not a gasp for joy, it was a gasp for air because Rachel looks like skeletor.  She had lollipop head and her arms look sinewy not muscular. The skin on her face is pulled so tight it looks like she has had a very bad face lift. (maybe she did?)  She gets up on the scale.  Rachel loses 59.62% of her body weight!  Reminder she started at 260lbs.  She weighs in at 105 lbs.  She is 5'4'' inches tall.  This puts her below the healthy body mass index.  Um gross. 

Trainers Bob and Jillian were "stunned."  Rachel's trainer, Dolvett defended her on his Facebook page, "Biggest Loser is a journey that has its ups and downs.  Please try not to look at one slice of Rachel's journey and come to broad conclusions.  Rachel's health is, and always has been, my main concern and her journey to good health has not yet ended!!"  NBC had no comment. Obviously.

I was inspired by this former swimmer! Now I am disappointed.  As an athlete, I would expect a healthier approach to losing weight, not an extremist one.  Whatever. She won. Was it about the money? If so, yeah for you. Go home, buy a couple of boxes of girl scout cookies, chase it with a beer and gain 10 – 15 lbs so you look like a normal human being. 

The moral of the story biggest losers? Lose 50% of your body weight? = amazing. Lose 60% of your body weight and are below a healthy BMI?  Calm the F down!  In my opinion contestants next season should have to maintain a healthy BMI or be disqualified.