Thursday, June 5, 2014

'Scuse Me for Farting

Mini: 'Scuse me for farting.....On you... again.
Me: Gross, why did you do that?"
Mini: "I needed to."

Sometimes mini#1 is a bit more considerate and just cups his hand over his bum and farts directly into it.  Why? "Because he needs to." Needs to preserve and reminisce about his own noxious gasses? Who the hell knows?!  How can I monitor this flatulence fiesta?!  Was it an accident? Was it on purpose?! I don't know, he's three.  I tried to explain that if he continues to fart on people, that they won't want to be his friend. That will be sad.  He doesn't seem to care, because, well he could always hang around with my smelly husband and smelly dog.

Toot toot, it's a party!
Tonight my husband farted in my son's general direction to "get him back"  Um ok.  So, let's review: my son can fart on people, my husband can fart, (which is apparently hilarious) but it's not ok for him to fart on people, but in their general direction is still fair game.  If my daughter passes gas, it is also funny because it's a baby-fart....Meanwhile if I pass gas, I am disgusting and exiled!

Let's not forget the dog.  Lord, earlier in the week her ass opened up like a sieve and she was shitting all over my house.  Ew.  I thought she may have had a parasite, poor girl.  My husband collected a sample and I brought it to the vet. Nooooope! Nothing was wrong. All tests negative.  It was spite shit.  BM is her weapon of choice as well.

OK so in summary: Farting is the precursor to BM.  BM on the potty is good. BM and farting is normal.  Farting around family is better than farting around strangers - but still kinda gross.  If you can squeeze your butt cheeks together and walk away and then fart, good. If you can't, sure to say "'scuse me for farting!" afterwards.  However, to fart into your hand or ON your beloved mother is NOT OK.

People!  Where is the boardbook for how to explain BM-related experiences and exceptions to a hyperactive-learning-to-be-potty-trained- almost 3 year old??  Furthermore, how am I supposed to help my minis navigate these exceptions when I can't stop laughing?

I am going to put myself in a fart-induced-exile so I can start writing my first children's (hand)book about social exceptions.

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