Saturday, May 31, 2014

Sassy A-N-T-E-G-R-O-P-E-L-O-S

Ok, ok, just so we can get this fun-fact outta the way: I won the fourth grade spelling bee.  The word was: EQUATION. I know, I know.

I remember my father and I practicing on spelling bee eve, spring of 1990- something.  The next day I stood bravely in the Charlotte Ave Library rockin in my boat shoes, donning my teal, hand-knit sweater.  Equation. E-Q-U-A-T-I-O-N!  Yeah buddy!  I won a prize and the only thing I remember is that I wish I had come in second because that prize was waaaaaaay cooler.

My husband to this day laments his elementary school spelling bee experience. Apparently, his principal had an extremely thick Boston accent therefore my husband, asked him to repeat the word: C-A-R-N-A-G-E several times, use it in a sentence and tell him the language of origin.  He then proceeded to spell it according to his principal’s accent. For those who are not familiar with a Boston accent it would be: K-A-H----N-I-G-E. Ding.

In sixth grade, I was in the spelling bee as well, however I was eliminated because I misspelled the word P-E-R-S-E-C-U-T-E.  I remember several of my classmates spelling things incorrectly on purpose.(Gasp.Shock.Horror.Not)  I thought that was weird, but I get it now. We were on the crest of middle school and the cool kids were realizing they were cool, and well, …I was still wearing my teal, hand-knit sweater.

This past Thursday, the Scripps National Spelling Bee ended in a tie for the first time in several decades! I love it! Even though I am a science teacher, I love words and I am kinda obsessed with the fact that big words come from little words.   I geek out every time I get to explain a word like: P-H-O-T-O-S-Y-N-T-H-E-S-I-S. 

Two young boys:  14 year old Sriram Hathwar and 13 year old Ansun Sujoe were announced as Co-Champions of the 2014 Scripps National Spelling Bee! Congratulations gentlemen!

They are Co-Champions because both boys misspelled a word and then both did exceedingly well after their individual blunders. 

Corpsbruders?  Ansun (left), Sriram (right)
Photo by Alex Wong/Getty Images)

Sriram misspelled C-O-R-P-S-B-R-U-D-E-R (a close comrade).

Ansun misspelled the word A-N-T-E-G-R-O-P-E-L-O-S (which means water proof leggings).

Ansun honey, this is unfortunate because if you had spent more time being a middle schooler and less time spelling words you would know that the barely-there-(probably waterproof)- leggings aka antegropelos are totally trending right now in middle schools and its an act of God that I do not see vag and/or ass crack on a daily basis.

Enjoy your swag gentlemen.  But please, go back to middle school, chat with your corpsbruders and check out that chica wearin’ antegropelos.  Oh yeah and take some time to watch Akeelah and the Bee. Best. Movie. Ev-aaaah.

Tuesday, May 27, 2014

Time Sucks and Life Hacking

There are 168 hours in a week.

Since I do not have super powers annnnd I work full time, I struggle between the forces of good and evil: The vortex of time-sucks influenced by my middle-school-level-maturity versus the responsibilities of a young-mother-in-her-30s. 

In a typical week, 
I sleep 49 hours
I teach middle school  40 hours
I commute to/from said job 7.5 hours
21 hours are spent preparing and eating food.
7 hours a week putting crazy children to bed.
3.5 hours a week are dedicated to wiping asses.
2 hours a week reading books with minis.
about 2 hours a week with God in his house...

That is a total of 132 where the heck did the other 36 hours go?!

Ugh, they must have been drawn down into the time-suck vortex!

Middle schoolers are ninjas at doing anything besides what they are specifically asked to and I kinda feel the same way about middle school teachers.  So whenever I get kind of antsy, I walk around during cafeteria duty and I research my next time-suck. Snap chat? Got it! I snap pictures of me drinking coffee to my bestie all the time, yep we are both 30 somethings.  Candy Crush? Got it! Finally gave in and I am on level 50 something - although I am losing interest because every time I get a run now, a new chocolate thingy grows and it gives me anxiety.  Twitter? Yeeeeep, finally caved to that and I really like it and last but not least...a game that looks kind of math based and is kinda math based ..2048! - which seemed like that stupidest game ever ...and it is...and I still play it.

I have come to the conclusion that not only do I need to throw my phone out of the window for all the endless time-suckin' opportunities it provides me with, but I need to be LIFE HACKED!  I heard about it on NPR and it sounded so cool that I googled it right there in the McD's drive thru!

Wikipedia told me that - Life Hacking "refers to any trick, shortcut, skill, or novelty method that increases productivity and efficiency, in all walks of life. In other words, anything that solves an everyday problem in an inspired, ingenious manner."

I imagine the most awesome life hackers to be a team made up of sassy/assy all-stars like Martha Stewart, Oprah Winfrey and Kathy Griffin.  Oprah to tell you to get rid of all of your physical and emotional shit, Martha to help you create simple organizational items out shit that Oprah made you throw out and then Kathy to simply verbally berate you and then rip off her shirt! 

Let's make trash - beautiful! 
Let's chat about the bigger reason why you need to be life hacked... 
Let's play candy crush and drink!  B*tches!
I would love it if someone would come into my house and find a zen place for my shoes so I don't spend 10 minutes every morning searching for them.   I would be open to suggestions for where to put the all the kid crack the clutters my house.

I am pretty sure that they would start by chucking my phone out of the window, and then life hack the crap out of me. and find a way for those 36 rogue hours to be the freakin' best, most productive hours, EV-ER.  

Wednesday, May 21, 2014

God Bless Steve

Every night we bless people with our son.

“God Bless….Mini#1, Mommy and Daddy, Mini#2 and Karma-Dog, Mem/Pep, Lala, Phil and Ruby, GiGi/Grandpa, Uncle Dan in California, Auntie Erin, Anna and Bubba.  (I’ll leave it to you to determine which of these subjects are canine and which are human).  God Bless our teachers at our school and at our church.  Amen. Thank you God!  Ohhhhh (high sqeaky voice) ! I forgot Steeeeeeve!!”

My husband looked at me puzzled…and mouthed Steve? 

Earlier in the day mini #1 and I were headed to Target to buy random-Target-stuff.  In the town where we shop there are frequently people standing in the median strip, panhandling.  I saw a man standing on the median on the way to Target.  When I was  there I bought a little extra food and put it in a separate bag in my front seat in case he was  still there when we left and were driving home.

Mini #1 and I had selected a bag of goldfish, bottled water and a couple bananas.  I made a huge point of telling mini that if you have extra, you give it away and that if the man was still there, these gold fish would then be his.  He said he understood, but when goldfish are involved things can get kinda feisty… I held my breath.

The man was still standing there.  He looked like shit.  I began to pray incessantly for this man.  He looked like shit and honestly, he probably felt like shit. It was hot out.  I was paralyzed by the very real truth that people like me are one or two decisions  away from people in their situation.  At this point tears were streaming down my face and I was preaching to mini from the front seat that we are no different than this man and we should love him.  Mini was looking scared at this point….

We pulled up closer and I held out the bag for him, he exclaimed, “Food!” and quickly twisted the cap off of the water bottle.  When I asked him his name, he said it was Steve.  I could see rosary beads tucked into his shirt.  I told him we would pray for him.  On the rest of the drive home I prayed for his protection, for him to make informed decisions and for him to be safe. 

Hours later, Mini #1 had prayed for Steve!  Now we all know that positive feedback in teaching and parenting is few and far between THIS WAS A MAJOR FAMILY WIN. WIN WIN WIN!  

“Dada, God Bless Steeeeeve! Oh! And I forgot, God Bless penguins!”

…Annnd we’re back.

Monday, May 19, 2014

Hipster Buzzkill

Recently, wannabe trend-setters and trendsetters alike, are experiencing a major buzzkill:

Trend: Eating Gluten-Free
Alright, I will admit that even I did not know exactly what gluten was (shame on me, silly science teacher lady.)  But I did know that gluten doesn't make me fat.  You know what makes me fat?  King sized boxes of Junior mints and iced coffee drinks!

For those who haven't seen this, put down your kale based smoothies and enjoy!  (Thank you Jimmy Kimmel for interviewing attractive men with their shirts off)

Disclaimer: Not feeling good after eating gluten must suck. Sorry Celiac sufferers.

Trend: Minimalist Running
And then there was the news that took the wind out of barefoot runners' sails....
Hey guys, aren't you supposed to be running?

Not shocking,wearing weird rubber toe socks does NOT do the following things!

(1) Strengthen muscles in the feet and lower legs 
(2) Improve range of motion in the ankles, feet, and toes
(3) Stimulate neural function important to balance and agility
(4) Eliminate heel lift to align the spine and improve posture
(5) Allow the foot and body to move naturally

Did people really think that these socks with five fingers really did this stuff?  Running is hard. Please put something between your delicate arches and the hard pavement.  

Sorry hipsters and trendsetting on the chopping block? Facial hair!

Rollie Fingers!!!!

Thursday, May 15, 2014

Rachel Part Deux.

Oh thank goodness, you read my blog and gained 20lbs.  
Oh Rachel you look amazing. We are no longer in a fight.  I am glad you might sometimes eat an oreo and only work out 6 days a week. Thanks for taking my advice, now I can use your journey as an inspiration. Seriously, you look hot.

(If we must dwell on the past - please refresh your memory about what happens when you are 60% overzealous)